No, it's not a metaphor and yes, it's as literal as that.

I try not to get explicit here but please know that this post is not about sex. It's about what happened while I was having sex. Which is a very serious issue.

I put the condom on wrongly. I'm not going to explain the mechanics but basically it didn't go down all the way. Of course, I was never an expert in the first place, I've never had anal sex in my life.

So yesterday was the first time I tried to 'do' someone and for most part, it was going well until suddenly the condom slipped off. So for a few thrusts there, we went bareback.

Which is at the moment scaring and worrying me because he was quite nonchalant about it while I was ready to freak out. Okay, I know there's nothing I can do about it now.

All I can do is go get a HIV test now to make sure I was clean before. Last time I went for a test was two years ago as part of a blood test routine. I've not engaged in any particularly high risk activities, so I never really went for tests.

Now I have to. Just in case. And back in three months. And six months. That's the estimate window period they say.

I'm scared shit but I know I have to do this.

Sorry if I offended anyone with this post. I just needed to let it out.

Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Le Tango de Roxanne - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

How does one get uncrushed? As in someone has a crush on you, maybe an infatuation and thinks he's in love with you. And you're not keen on him?

It's usually easy when it's just someone you've met - stop answering phone calls, ignore the person, be cold etc. But if it's someone you're working with and you have to see the person day after day and come in physical contact with him, then what do you do?

I've tried a variety of things but to no avail. While he never flat out told me in my face that he fancies me, he has via SMS. First I did the ignore thing. Didn't work. In fact, he persisted. Saw my non-responses as confusion and thus, assumed that I must be thinking about it.

So finally I replied to the SMS - told him that I only consider him a friend. Then he stopped talking to me, which makes this really hard at work. So I bit my lip, became merely polite. It affected work but heck, I just worked a bit harder.

Then he became all nice again and, again, touchy feely. So again, and this time to him face, told him that I'm not comfortable with all this. See, he started sending the SMS messages again about how he will not give up on me, I'll just have to wait and see that he's the perfect guy for me etc etc.

After that conversation - he became even colder, if that was possible. So I ignored him. I mean, really, what else can I do? I've told him how I feel - you can't help it if you're not attracted to someone can you? And I know how it feels - unreciprocated love, heck, I'm going through this right now. And have been for the past year.

So he stops talking to me and then a few days later - I get another message saying that he's cried himself to sleep but realised that he's been unfair to me treating me that way. So okay, I thought we were all clear now. And the past couple of days, he's starting to touch again. He wants to sit next to me only. He smacks my bum, caresses my face, tickles me everytime I walk past him or he walks past me.

What else can I do?

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Stop Living The Lie - David Sneddon

Okay, I have a confession to make. I'm not exactly a closet case. I mean, sure I don't go around telling the whole world I'm gay - but people know I'm gay. Lots of them. Sometimes I don't want them knowing, but they find out anyway. Go figure.

So yeah, I've had my fair share of boyfriends. Crushes, people having a crush on me, etc etc.

Today was nice however. I had lunch with a guy who I think used to have a crush on me and we're friends now. I haven't had a decent chat with him in ages, usually we just bump into each other, a quick hi what are you up to these days and that's done.

Today was a full on conversation, very nice. I miss those days.

Then I met this other guy who I know for a fact that he fancied me. And the truth was, and he knew it too, that I fancied him back. I was just leaving the place I had lunch at and bumped into him. With his new bf. Very cute if I may add. Brought back loads of memories, considering the last time I liked him, and he liked me, he was attach and his bf found out.

Good thing I was an angel and we never did anything.

Incidently, it has also been sometime since I've blogged and posted on this site. My other blog (the one where I'm a pseudo-heterosexual, well that's a lie) hasn't been updated much either because I've been really busy with work. And I guess that's why I haven't blogged here either.

I'm hoping to get this going again though, it's nice therapy that I can talk about things I can't usually, because I'm hiding behind a pseudonym.

I am, after all, a kloset kase.

And if you're wondering about my last post - back in January - about me wanting to reclaim my life... I'd say I almost did it. I've still got lots to do but it's getting there. Still single though. Still waiting. Hurry Hurry Hurry!

Current Mood: content
Current Music: I Know The Truth - Elton John & Janet Jackson

What was the point of yesterday or rather this morning's post? I think I'll put it off as a drunken mistake. What was the point?

I think I remember now. Not that I remember much from last night. It has been a while since I've been out drinking and dancing so it was quite good. And the evils of having fun means that once I start, I just couldn't stop.

I think I just missed going out. I miss being around people, I miss being in crowds, I miss life. Not that clubbing equals life but I think we all occasionally need to taste different emotions and experiences if only to make ourselves live more.

So with this, I vow to go out more often. I'm not going to obsess about it but I'm no longer going to be the prude who stays at home and comes online or watch a DVD alone. I think I'm going to reclaim my life.

That is my point. And maybe in the process I'll meet a guy...or two.

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Current Music: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes

Ignore the time of post. It's a quarter to four on the 15th but I've backdated this post to Wednesday mainly because I don't know how to search for the Permalink on my post except for by date.

I've only just got back from Atmosphere and dancing to Judge Jules. I'm not going to talk much about him thoug although I'd shag him. I say this because I'm drunk and for no other reason.

But going out tonight reminds me of Brian from Queer As Folk American version or Stuart from the British one. It's not like I feel like them but I sure wish I did. There were so many cute people there but I didn't dare approach any.

Doesn't matter that Brian/Stuart is/are my hero/heroes. I think we're pretty similar as well. We're both equally tall give or take an inch or two, both have friends who love us but we don't love them back, both have brown hair except mine is fake and his is probably real. The only difference is that I'm 5-6 years younger than him and he's white while I'm yellow.

So why can't I be like him?

Oh what's the point of this post. I'm drunk so I doubt there is a point.

Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: Jason Mraz - God knows what song...

Can you love someone without being loved back? I've always believed that when you meet someone, it's never love at first sight but more lust at first sight. Whether or not the person is conventionally cute is beside the point but when you like someone when you first meet, it's more attraction than anything else.

Which brings me back to the question of whether or not we can love without being loved back? After all, I beleived that love is the outcome from a relationship between two people, so obviously you need to know the person, foster a friendship and then love will blossom from there.

Naive maybe but it's what I used to believe. Not so much now though. I think I've finally met the love of my life except that he has a boyfriend. I've not done anything about it. I've had the opportunity, no doubt and I'm pretty sure he kind of likes me too because he kind of told me. But nothing's happened.

So if I'm so accepting of this, why do I feel so depressed. Maybe it's because I'm in love?

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morisette

This sucks. I don't understand how people can just have one night stands. Apparently these days it's more than just one night. It's one morning, one afternoon, one evening. Some even have all-in-ones.

If it's not enough that my friends are getting shags, I have to deal with friends in relationships. What have they got that I don't. So I may not be Prince Charming but neither am I quasimodo or the hunchback of Notre Dame (I'm sure both are very nice people but GET REAL!).

Go into a club and who do they want to see? The cutests guy there is. It's not like I don't get hit on but they are either not my type or too much my type.

I don't have the fucking confidence to go get a shag and unless I get a shag I'm not going to get my confidence. Catch 22.

I hate myself.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: D-Side - Invisible

So they say that men think of sex every 28 seconds. And to quote Michael from Queer As Folk: "For gay men, it's once every 9 seconds".

I'm not the kind of person who thinks about sex all the time. Maybe that's a lie but I'm not the kind of person who goes out and gets a one night stand.

The most is probably obsessive masturbation but even that has it's limits.

What disturbs me though is how I perpetually look and drool over cute guys. I was at a function today and saw this cute boy who I think was cruising me too. It wasn't as though I was going to shag him there and then but he was cute.

Maybe I need a boyfriend. I think I'm starting to get obsexxed.

Current Mood: Frisky
Current Music: The Last Samurai - A Way of Life

Well, this is my first post and I have no idea what I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I've been blogging for a while (but I won't tell, I'm a klosetkase remember? And I will kill anyone who out's me). Thing is, LiveJournal is so confusing that I don't know what to do with what? Ah, practise makes perfect I guess. Until my next post. Let it be...

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Let It Be - Beatles